It’s all above board- Literally

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Remember “1,2, You’re a prude, 3, 4, You’re a whore” Well this is “5, 6 that was quick, 7, 8, I’m not going to count it at that rate”*

*not quite as catchy but you’ll get the gist*

When we think of the word sex we usually think of your bog-standard, fun for most, penetrative sexual intercourse. You know the one: shagging, rumpy-pumpy, bonking, lovemaking, sometimes ‘not in love’ making, straight up one in one out kinda deal.

Well does this word SEX really have only one universal meaning and furthermore shouldn’t we all be entitled to give it our own definition?

The definition of sex taken from ‘Lexico.com’ (a site that is made up of Oxford University Press and Dictionary.com) is as follows:

sex:

NOUN

  • 1mass noun (chiefly with reference to people) sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse.

The word ‘sexual activity’ is what stood out to me here, because in my mind sexual activity extends to what Americans refer to as all the ‘bases’. Surely a virgin can partake in sexual activity?

An anonymous woman got in touch with me and supported a previous point I’d made –

“no one should tell you your number”

We’ve discussed what sex means, and what it means to different people. That frustration you feel when you walk into your uni kitchen to see, after bringing back a guy last night, your housemate has automatically given you a tally on the infamous chart (if you know, you know). Is this because we automatically assume a drunken night with a stranger ends in sex? Or is this because we all have different views of what constitutes sex? For example, a drunken fumbling may mean more to one person than to another.

Ownership of your number is just as important as acceptance of it. But ownership doesn’t mean having to count each and every single one of your sexual encounters.

I once was in a social situation with a small group of women, we didn’t know each other too well and over a few pitchers in Spoons, we discussed our numbers. One of the girls was very confident and chatty. When it was her turn to divulge she became slightly tense and when she gave her number she then backtracked and said: “well I mean it depends what you count because there was this one time but I don’t count it”.

She then explained how she had been sexually assaulted. She said she didn’t usually count it because of the circumstances it happened under. A few hugs and a long discussion about how she is now in a brilliant place and coped with it so admirably and we all agreed that she didn’t have to count it at all if she didn’t want too.

Yes, when you go to the doctors and they ask about your latest sexual contact its important to be more specific, and I’m not condoning lying to a partner in all situations. But when the circumstances call for it or when it’s your turn to delve into your little black book remember you have the ownership, its no one else’s list and therefore you make it the list you want.

*insert here you’re own philosophical thinking about your number, is that your number?*

The low after the high

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Post-coital depression/tristesse. Bet you haven’t heard that one before eh?

Well, to be honest with you I knew nothing about it either or its existence. Not until I got an anonymous contact asking me to shed some light on the issue.

Definition: Post-coital tristesse is the feeling of sadness, anxiety, agitation or aggression after sexual intercourse.

The word tristesse literally translates to sadness.

There is such an expectation for sex or self-gratification to make us feel amazing. The feelings that arise before sex are often discussed, but what about the feelings we have after the candles have been blown out, the ‘Spotify & chill‘ playlist has been turned off and we re-lay the dining table…. wait I mean re-plump the bed cushions.

Some people may cry after sex, become agitated or even feel the need to argue with their partner. The post-coital blues can happen even if you’ve just experienced the greatest orgasm of your life (landmark moment, the first time I’ve used the big ‘O’ word on TFT- sorry dad) or its the 100th time with your partner whom you love deeply. It also doesn’t discriminate. Although studies have demonstrated that it’s more common in men it has also shown that it doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is, your relationship status or your gender we can all experience tristesse.

But why? Why does it happen and why is it not something we talk about.

It’s reported that there is no single reason. It may be an underlying issue in your relationship coming out in emotional form, it may be the sadness of breaking the intense bond created by having sex or it may be because you have some underlying trauma. It’s considered a bit of a phenomenon but the important thing to note is that you’re not broken and you’re not alone.

“I bottle so much in and when I have that moment of intense release through orgasm I just cry because I’ve allowed myself to let go” – Anon

We should talk to each other about it, to our partners, friends, family, bloody hell why not to the person you met in McDonald’s at 3 am.

We don’t talk about these things because of the word ‘normal’. God, I hate that word sometimes. What is normal? Who is normal? Meryl Streep, the Queen, Laverne Cox, the women in the herbal essences advert? (Coincidentally this is half of my fantasy dinner party, how does she get her hair that shiny?).

If it’s the common thing for you to experience great sadness or anger after sex then maybe that is your normal and that’s OK. If you want to seek help because you experienced this then that’s also OK and if after reading this and you want to have sex and a then a big old cry well then that’s OK too.

Whilst I hope this got you thinking I am not a sex specialist so I have attached some links below if you want to know more:

International Society for Sexual Medicine- https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-postcoital-dysphoria-post-sex-blues/

Psychology Today- https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/myths-desire/201809/post-sex-blues-both-men-and-women-say-they-have-it

The History of Pants

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The thong, brazilian, boy pant, corset, G-string and Spanx all reflect a moment in history.  

“That’s pants” you say (sorry couldn’t resist). Well I think, what we women choose to wear as our underwear has always reflected a-lot more than whether we’re on our period, looking to get lucky or working out. 

It’s widely discussed how much, like the different styles of jeans, body shapes come in and out of fashion. Marilyn Monroe sexed up a size 14 and Kendall Jenner has created the size 4 phenomenon. However, whatever your shape we’ve all routinely followed a similar style of undergarment. 

Womens cloth underclothes were first recognised around 753 BC-476 AD and were found in Ancient Rome. The ‘Tunica’ pants and ‘Strophium’ a bandeau style bra was worn to highlight the ideal figure of a women; considered at the time to be a small chest and large hips. 

Skip forward a few hundred years to the renaissance era 1300-1700 AD and women were instead wanting to accentuate their figure by wearing corsets. A pushed-up bust, tiny waist and wide hips was the ideal. As it was still not acceptable for a woman to show much flesh and this shape was intended to show wealth ( you could afford a top quality corset) and attract men. The richest of women would have maids who could pull their corsets in so tight their shoulder blades would touch- not ashamed to say the only thing that touches now are my thighs. 

The corset began to fall out of fashion. However, whilst not considered  a wardrobe staple, it was the go-to garment for prostitutes and became sexualised in the eyes of some. In 1920 the immense effort of the women’s suffrage movement started to snowball and along the way they picked up on the idea of pants as an expression for how modern women viewed themselves. A more androgynous silhouette was created with underwear that flattened both the chest and the hips.  

From this the world of underwear was catapulted into its own arena. The 1940’s saw the birth of the underwire bra, the 1950’s pin up era introduced the bikini brief and the popularity of a curvy womanly figure rose. The 1960’s is where the true ‘free the nip’ was born and women even burned bras in the women’s liberation protests. 1970’s was when the much debated ‘Victoria Secret’ became the centre of all thing’s lingerie. From there the holy grail that is the thong saw the light of day and the G-string was popularised by stars who wore underwear as outerwear. In the 2000’s we have been blessed with the wonder bra and Spanx, but is this blessing disguised as a step in the wrong direction.  

I bought my first pair of Spanx when I was 21. I disliked how my stomach stood out further than my thighs. I didn’t have a straight side profile but the nature of the VPL meant I only wanted thong Spanx- after all having a large derriere is now considered sexy. But I didn’t feel sexy, I felt squished and like my shape wasn’t my own.  

Anytime my mum goes through the washing I hear the inevitable: 

“how can you wear this piece of tiny material?”

This is in comparison to what I call her granny pants that are the size of my head. But I ask the question “You wear those big pants because it makes you feel comfortable, being sexy is where I feel comfortable and therefore I wear my small ones because they make me feel comfortable – plus £1.50 for a pack of 5 from Primark is too hard to resist. We wear underwear for ourselves. In the same way my boyfriend won’t wear boxers that have novelty pictures of hot dogs on because he doesn’t feel good in them, I wear a push up bra sometimes with a low cut top because I like the way it enhances my natural figure.  

The point of this long winded history lesson is NOT that Spanx are actually the root of the oppression of women but that our underwear should be a reflection of what makes us feel our best not what we think other people want to see. Taking a more personalised view to our underwear saves us the awkwardness of asking your parents to wash your G-strings on a visit back home and the slight embarrassment you feel when you buy some tummy tucking knickers. Both options are viable if it’s what makes you feel good/comfortable/confident.  

Marilyn Monroe and Kendall Jenner may both reflect different body types but that’s not to say we need to pick a side. 

I travelled the world with my worst enemy

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She was constantly criticising, chronically controlling and induced a sadness in me that spread like a bad cold.

I despised her. In my secondary school years, she tortured me, taking over my days with constant taunts and an ability to knock me down at precisely the moment I got back up; she was in-escapable.

At 19, after many years of facing her domineering and following a 4-year relationship breakdown that snowballed into a quarter life crisis; which believe me, she relished in. I realised that the impromptu tattoo, painful nose piercing and peroxiding of my hair wasn’t quite going to cut it. The only way to get away from her, and from it all, was to really ‘get away’.

When looking for a travel companion, I knew what I wanted. Reliability, open-mindedness, organisational skills and positivity. Of course, she possessed none of those things and the very last person on my list; and that’s exactly why I chose her.

They do say keep your friends close but your enemies closer and in this instance that was true.

Because she was me.

So that was it, I emptied my poor excuse for a bank account and booked my flights to New Zealand and Bali. Knowing that the next two months alone, a time everyone told me would be the best few months of my life, would be the first time I would have to truly face my worst enemy.

The first few weeks I would drive down to the beach with her, taking Sue Perkins and Leon Bridges along for the ride too. I realised that if I sat and let her voice be heard for a while, she’d grow tired, run out of witty utterances and stop. Making room for Sue and Leon to join my party of one.

That eureka moment came a month in, when I stumbled into a trendy small boutique in Auckland. Behind the counter was an attractive, young, bright faced girl.

“I like your pants” me concerned my Victoria Secret thong was no longer such a secret responded, “sorry?”.

Ice broken over a brief conversation on VPLs and the Kiwi translation of pants (pants = trousers), she questioned what a 5ft 2, 19-year-old, English girl was doing on her own in Auckland.

I explained that after running out of ends to split I decided to do some travelling. The moment I told her I was doing it alone her face radiated shock, intrigue but ultimately overwhelming admiration. She told me she had always wanted to do similar, but her anxiety held her back.

We chatted like old friends and long story short I self-appointed myself as her Dalai Lama, dished out my new-found wisdom and told her when she makes it to the UK, she can stay with me.

It was at that moment, the explanation to someone else that they can do it if they just say “Yes”, understand that getting away doesn’t always mean running away, I realised my worst enemy may just have become my best friend.

1, 2, You’re a Prude, 3, 4, Now You’re a Whore

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What’s Your number? *Gossip Girl Spoiler Alert*

Every woman knows that feeling Lilly Vanderwoodson had when she cut her number of sexual partners in half, after finding out Rufus’ number didn’t quite match up to hers…

But why, as women, are we so afraid to be honest about the number of people we’ve had the pleasure (well 60% of the time) of sleeping with?

It’s safe to say a man having multiple sexual partners in his lifetime is far more accepted than a woman and at times applauded- This old-fashioned way of thinking may be slowly changing but, many of us still wear our cloaks of shame, and slap on our scarlet letters, when that dreaded numbers question is asked.

“You’re the slag of the group then”  – Unidentified individual responding to an honest answer to ‘What’s your number?’

Many women have come to me with tales of being met with judgment dressed as jokes and shock camouflaged by eye rolls after revealing their ‘number’. An answer to some that is so intimate and vulnerable. But WHY do we punish ourselves for enjoying a fruitful, vibrant and varied sex life?

I am yet to meet another female or male, worth my time, who scoffed at my number or who judged me when I gave the honest answer (and yes the honest answer does involve some 1/2’s but that’s another discussion). There are those that so clearly don’t understand that we all have sex because we want to. So if you like it why wouldn’t that be as much as you like and with as many as you like. I don’t see people playing less sport in case others think they’re a bit too ‘into it’. Or film enthusiasts watching fewer genres because they don’t want to be seen to be mixing their tastes.

As I have come to realise: whose to say one is too little and 1,000 is too many? Why would our opinion change if our friend was as untouched as Mary or had been through more partners than there are episodes of Friends? And frankly, why does it matter anyway?

Because there is no handbook.

If you’re OK with your number then that’s the right number, and if you’re not OK with it then realise it just you who’s judging you because nobody else has the place too.

It feels like the first time

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Getting it over and done with can sometimes seem the best option but losing your virginity isn’t a quick decision. After-all Rome wasn’t built in a day.

It’s a true cliche but really you’re dammed if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 18, a virgin, the last in your friendship group to do the deed or you’re about to go off to university, where a game of never have I ever is sure to expose you. Or if you’re 18, have already had plenty of sexual partners and lost your virginity some time ago to someone whose middle name you don’t even know. Either way you seem to face (*UNNECESSARY*) judgement.

But why is it that there is this immense amount of pressure surrounding the ‘Virgin’ label? Whilst sex and sexual interactions may be a huge part of some peoples lives, for others it may not be as important. Either way the label of a virgin does not define anything about you, the only definitive property it gives is a scientific one. So why rush?

“My first time was a disaster”

“My first time was the best time”

“I don’t remember my first time”

“I regret who I lost my virginity too”

“I’m still with the person I lost my virginity too”

These are all statements that I have heard from guys and girls about the highly anticipated, holy, sacrilege act of loosing your virginity. Some of these people wouldn’t change the way they lost it, other people would.

But the one thing the experiences all need to have in common is a form of consent. Consent with yourself. Are you ready? Is this what you want? We don’t have sex for other people, we have it for ourselves and our first time is just the same.

Pressure from friends and society can mean we often feel this need to get it ‘over and done with’ but thats not what it’s about. It’s about you knowing and feeling that you’re ready to do ‘it’ if you want ‘it’.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but believe me you can loose it in seconds.

What do you think? Leave a comment below…

Moved out before we moved in: Lockdown Love loss

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“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”  

I wave through the camera to my long-term boyfriend as he tells me he will deliver some flowers to my doorstep soon; I can’t help but think maybe Juliet wasn’t as dramatic as we all once thought. 

‘Covid-19’ is slowly becoming like Voldemort, a word so horrific we shall not utter it, but the truth is that it’s this word our world is now revolving around. Whether we like it or not the right thing to do for millions of people has been either to self-isolate or go into a full lockdown in order to save lives. 

Lockdown and self-isolation look different for everyone; some have chosen to go home to families, others staying with friends in University halls and a few must go it alone.  

Whatever the decision it hasn’t been simple for anyone, particularly those with partners who they don’t live with.  

This summer my boyfriend of seven years and I were supposed to be viewing flats to finally move in together. To start our life of annoying each other with our bad habits and inevitably me persuading him that getting a puppy IS a good idea. But it seems our journey has been stalled before its even began 

We’re not the only ones trying to navigate this strange situation. In an Instagram poll 81% of people said that they were having to self-isolate without their other half. 

Emily Palmer, 21, is having to self-isolate from her boyfriend of three years as they didn’t want to put additional strain on his mum who would have had to live alone. Emily says she’s extremely thankful for technology and facetime.  

Alice Ford, 20, says she finds the whole thing “very strange” as she usually sees her boyfriend five to six times a week. Due to her mum’s occupation as a police officer and therefore a key worker she couldn’t risk potentially exposing her boyfriend.   

However, there are those already in a long-distance relationship and some who have had previous experience of one that can offer some tips.  

https://twitter.com/ElsaJoyce16/status/1243928736753467392?s=20

Others are having to change the dynamics of their relationships and find new ways of having date night.  

I spoke to London based Joanna Kelly, a fully qualified psychodynamic psychotherapist who works with Couples and individuals, offering relationship counselling. She explained she had seen an influx in those accessing her services.  

“The changes to routines and having to adapt is worrying for some. How to be able to maintain enough physical and mental separateness, and at the same time allow for intimacy can be a delicate balance” 

So how do we maintain a healthy relationship in these un-healthy times?  

“Emphasis with your partners experience. This may allow for more intimacy and closeness and the connection of a shared experience.” 

“Regular chats and texts, little messages. Being available can feel good” 

My Great Grandma got married and two days later her husband went off to war. The next time she saw him was two years later. My boyfriend and I should be picking out furniture and packing up boxes, but his deployment to a local supermarket in order to pay his rent may mean I’m unable to see him for several weeks, maybe months.  

I am mindful that my great grandparents never got to hear each other voices, see each other’s faces or play Pictionary together through a virtual screen. Whilst there may be a threat to health, we can’t ignore how the technological advances makes maintaining a healthy relationship in these un-precedented times more realistic than ever.  

Stigma and The Student Sex Worker

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With the UK seeing a rise in the number of students joining the sex work industry, is the stigma surrounding sex work stopping us from keeping our young people safe? 

In 2015 Swansea University released their findings from an investigation that showed 5% of university students who participated in the study had taken part in some form of Sex work for money. They also published that out of this 5%, 1 in 4 of the students did not feel safe. Since then it is apparent that this percentage is increasing, with some universities even setting up societies dedicated to students in sex work.

However, after the negative backlash that followed Brighton Universities Sex Workers stall at their fresher’s fair in 2018 it’s clear that the stigmatism surrounding sex is still present. If we are unable to talk openly about this type of work, we deny people the opportunity to come forward for advice, support and a space to discuss how to practice this work safely or look for alternative work.

Dr. Raven Bowen, CEO of National Ugly Mugs, an organisation dedicated to ending violence against sex workers discussed the effect stigmatism can have on workers. “The combined negative effects of stigma, criminalisation and the lack of access to labour and human rights means that many sex workers have little control over their work environments and no access to justice to ameliorate the harms they experience”.

It is a common misconception that sex work is simply prostitution. This is not the case as there is both direct and indirect forms of sex work. An example of an indirect form being online webcamming. ‘Camming’ seems to be one of the most popular forms of sex work that students participate in. With the rise in tuition fees and the struggle to fund university it is a way of making money that is flexible, quick and accessible for many to do alongside their studies.

A 19-year-old female university student who makes money from webcamming online spoke about what drew her to this kind of work. “Honesty, a lack of money. Although this might make someone think of somebody who is very poor or hardly affording their rent and therfore has to turn to webcamming as a last resort, for me it wasn’t like that at all. I thought it would be good for me”

With the legal age being 18 for the participation in work of a sexual nature it is hard to understand why society is still judgmental of those wanting to exercise their freedom of choice as to how they earn their money. Any type of work, be it of a sexual nature or otherwise, is a form of labour and all forms of labour are vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. Therefore, workers should be protected, and safety issues understood fully to allow for appropriate levels of protection.

In December 2014, NUS passed a motion to support decriminalisation of sex work. This would allow sex workers to have full labour rights, for example the right to unionise. This took a huge step towards showing students that they are supported by the National Union of Students and recognising sex work as a legitimate form of employment.

However, many universities themselves have yet to demonstrate the same level of support and steps still need to be taken in society as a whole. As we move into an age where the topic of sexual exploitation in the workplace is openly discussed, bodies of support need to be established to provide a safer environment for students seeking employment in the sex industry.

For advice and support relating to the topics discussed in the article see links below:

https://uknswp.org/um/

Weighing in on it

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Cheat day or guilt day? It’s the age-old debate between self-acceptance and self-care. 

Should I just enjoy food and eat what I want… after all we are in lockdown?

Because we’re in lockdown should I be exercising more?

Just because we’re in lockdown that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be healthy?

I can barely go out anyway why should I spend it doing the exercise I don’t want to do? 

Not only are we bombarded on social media every day by top tips to stay skinny or extreme calorie-burning workouts, but we’re also often told that by not accepting our bodies or doing what we like with it we’re not being a feminist and we don’t support the mantra of there is no love without self-love. 

Forming our own opinions gets more difficult in this age of social media and technological revolutions but aren’t our own opinions the true producer of self-love? If isolation can show us something isn’t it that at the end of the day it isn’t about the compliment you got from the guy at the bar or the flashing number of total calories burned after a workout on the cross trainer; it’s about waking up and going to bed happy with what you did and who you were that day?

How is Isolation challenging peoples expectations of themselves?

“feeling the pressure to emerge out of lockdown a completely new, healthier and more successful version of myself… but for me just because we’ve got more time on our hands doesn’t necessarily mean I’m more likely to work out, spend time making healthy food etc, I’ve got to be in the right mindset and lockdown isn’t doing that”

Anon, Female, 21

“I think people need to focus on whatever’s going to help them get through it. its going to be different for everyone”

Anon, Female, 20

The common theme seems to be doing what’s right for you. It’s also important to recognise that all social media accounts aren’t run by the devil to remind us what we’re not doing but there are some out there that let us feel accepted by ourselves ( see below)

When you run, you run for you and just as you enjoy each bead of sweat dropping off the forehead, you enjoy just the same the brain freeze from finishing half a tub of ice-cream. Scales are about balance after all. 

Doctor Who the F**k Do You Think You Are?

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An apple a day sometimes wont keep the doctor away

“Just one small glass of wine.”

“I always use a condom.”

“Everything’s fine.”

Arguably the most common lies we tell when trying to avoid eye contact with the stethoscope laden individual before us when were sat in that uncomfortably warm vinyl chair.

But everyone lies for a reason, and often our previous experiences with a medical professional, or the current uncomfortable situation you’ve just walked into, is the stimulant that causes us to do so. Too many people have felt judged or belittled when trying their best to get the help they deserve.

Whether it’s a suspected STI, an unreachable rash or a little lump, we want to be taken seriously and treated with care, because the potential consequence of not asking could be much worse than the 15 minutes of embarrassment endured in an appointment you’ve been waiting for since last Christmas.

I began to do some research and asked around about peoples uncomfortable run-ins with the few health care professionals who seem to forget about the ‘care’ part. One story struck me in the subtle art of its damning nature, not overly serious or grounds to sue but sure enough to leave this person with a lasting negative impression.

Picture this; an individual reluctantly shuffles into an appointment, experiencing sickness and stomach pains. Concerned that they’ve either a, been impregnated with the son of the devil or b, the choice of a questionable late night Donna kebab may have caused a fatal new food poisoning to be discovered within their stomach.

“When was the last time you had sex?”

“Ummm, roughly 4 weeks ago?”

“And did you use a condom?”

“Well no, I don’t know, maybe for a second. OK no I did not”

Sighs slip out of mouth, eyes become narrow screaming behind the glare “YOU IRRESPONSIBLE PERSON, DISGUSTING, SEX WITH NO PROTECTION”. In reality the doctor responds: “Well I think we should do a pregnancy test because that’s obviously not very good now is it?”. Well yes, obviously that’s not very good, thanks for pointing that out Doctor Smith.

Test reads negative. PSA * This does not condone/encourage sex without protection however Doctor:0 Bareback warrior: 1*

Next awkwardly but necessarily intrusive question “And how much do you drink?” “I guess if it’s a night out I’ll have a bottle of wine before, then a couple double vodkas when i’m out”. Doctor momentarily lets go of the non-judgmental tone inevitably injected in to them at medical school. “Well obviously you know that’s very dangerous don’t you? I mean that is really a lot”.

It’s funny because when this person booked an appointment I’m sure they distinctly remember asking for a chat followed by a diagnosis and then a prescription for shame, embarrassment, self-hatred and judgment.

This is just one of many stories collected surrounding those times when you go to get help and instead you are made to feel degraded, humiliated and to be honest just a bit shit.

So what do we want?

“But that is a lot to drink and you should use a condom”, I hear you say. Well yes obviously when it comes to our health honesty is the best policy, and sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind but its all in the delivery.

What we want is simply to be understood, educated and aided in a way that makes us feel comforted and safe. Instead of  rolling eyes and schoffs that crawl with cringe, what about an understanding nod and smile, that’s followed with a subtle handing over of condoms and a light hearted joke about maybe wanting to make those doubles singles.

Feel free to join the discussion by leaving a comment or heading to the contact page and sharing your story, views, comments or witty Doctor related jokes.