Category: Relationships

Male domestic abuse

Leave a comment

Numbers never lie:

-Statistics from ManKind initiative-

Domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone, occur at any point in a relationship, be physical or mental and even be disguised by the abuser as unconditional love. No matter who you are it’s a terrible thing to experience and can be made worse when you feel like you can’t talk about it.

Male domestic abuse is a topic many find sensitive as some men feel neglected by society when it comes to the subject matter of domestic abuse. Often it’s assumed in domestic abuse cases that it is the male as the abuser and not the abused, but once again the numbers don’t lie and it’s evident this is certainly not the case.

This stereotype can often cause men to brush aside even the thought that they may be in an abusive relationship. It can stop men talking, finding help and in some cases stop them leaving a relationship that’s detrimental to their mental and physical health.

Heres one man’s story on how he found himself in an abusive relationship and his journey to leaving the relationship and trying to recover from the scars it left behind…

Anon, age 23:

“I was in a domestically abusive relationship for three years. It’s important to say she never physically attacked me, which used to make me feel saying I was abused was wrong, but it’s not. Abuse is psychological, mental, financial etc and she hit me with both barrels with all of those.

I gave up on my hobbies, interests, friendships and myself just so I could make her life a bit happier than it was before, and she was happy for me to do so. I didn’t realise I was doing this until afterwards of course. I was just an extension of her by the end, I’d sacrificed myself so much that I didn’t really exist anymore.

She would tell me all my friends were horrible, make me feel guilty about the smallest of things like going to the pub or playing Xbox with friends. She’d keep me trapped in with threats of leaving me, or as time went on that when I stood up for myself she would claim she was suicidal.

As a man, it is your expectation to be the ‘strong’ person in a relationship. When that is stripped from you and you are dominated in every aspect of life by your girlfriend, you can’t help but feel incredibly emasculated. When there’s nobody to talk to who shared your experience, you carry on feeling like you’re not really ever going to be a ‘man’ again.”

Leaving the relationship after 3 years:

“I am proud I won’t lie and I’ve taken some good steps to get help. I always have thought the trigger was when she went away for a week without me, and remember thinking that the first week in years I had felt free to do what I wanted without judgement, and realising that was the norm hit me like a ton of bricks”

What advice would you give in helping someone who is in an abusive relationship?:

“There are good male domestic abuse charities out there like mankind, but I still feel when we mention domestic abuse the go-to thought is to think of women being abused by men which of course is horrible for those women and they need just as much help and support, but we need it too and it needs to be recognised

The best thing to do (for someone in an abusive relationship) is to make them know they’re loved and give them a hug. Words can be great but they won’t always go in…The chances are they won’t know they’re being abused but they’ll recognise they’re situation isn’t great and loved ones outside perspective can change your view entirely

(And if it’s you in the abusive relationship you should remember:) You are worth an incredible amount and your thoughts, feelings and life are just as valuable as theirs. The only way it’s going to get better is to cut the cord and drop into the unknown. The unknown can be just as scary sometimes, but you’re not going to be scared alone anymore”

‘The National Centre for Domestic Violence’ have the slogan, “You don’t need a bruise to be a victim”. Abuse can come in all different forms and at times that’s what makes it so hard to recognise. Relationships are hard to navigate anyway and we go into each new relationship with different expectations of what it should feel like or look like. We can be told to just expect lows and highs. Arguments and huge bust-ups have even previously been romanticised by the media industry, with some sort of sexually charged reconciliation after a ‘smash a glass against the wall’ argument or a romantic gesture of present-giving to say sorry. So what defines a ‘normal’ amount of ups and downs and how do we recognise when just ‘another argument’ turns into something much more sinister. The best way to do this is by talking to others, checking in with ourselves, pushing aside any feelings of shame or guilt and not letting our judgement be clouded by this strange expectation to find a love that is so intense, it burns.

If you think you, or someone you know, maybe in an abusive relationship, please reach out, to friends, to families or to some of the sites listed below:

Great expectations and even greater assumptions.

Leave a comment

Sometimes I worry that the age-old saying ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ (you know the one. I think Shakespeare said it?) has got the opposite sexes stuck in two separate boxes with two separate rules for life.

Dive right in and take sex as an example. Let’s be honest, men are expected to have a lot of it, women not so much. Men are expected to enjoy it every-time, women not so much. Men are expected to have it casually, women not so much. Men are expected to provide protection, women not so much. Men are expected to call the next day, women …….not so much.

Unpacking these expectations you realise the pressures on both sides to fit into the ideals that society has created.

If men don’t have a lot of sex (and how much is a lot?) they are sometimes made to feel inadequate and less of a ‘lad’; rather than someone who has perhaps made a life choice or who hasn’t met the right person yet. If women do have a lot of sex they are made to feel like a ‘slut’ rather than a woman confident in her sexuality and who enjoys sex. Similarly, if a man doesn’t call the next day he’s labelled as a player whereas if a woman does call she’s ‘needy’.

why should women not be expected to carry the same responsibility to bring protection? After all, it takes two to tango and you’re both responsible for getting the steps right…RIGHT?

This brings us to the troubling area of ‘breakups’.

A breakup is hard enough to go through let alone when you’re made to feel like there’s a right way and a wrong way to deal with it depending on your chromosomes. Women are supposed to go and grieve the loss, eat ice cream and cry at Bridget Jones (other incredible chick flicks are available). Men, on the other hand, are made to feel that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, often as a result of a night out with the boys to celebrate their new single status

“As a man, I think during breakups were not expected to feel nothing at all but we’re definitely expected to muffle how we feel and not make our emotions a big deal”

Anon, 23 year old Male

Why is it that we are made to feel that there is an expectation as to how we react in certain situations? That our actions following a breakup must match society’s assumptions rather than reflect our emotional responses.

“I think it’s this expectation that men can’t be vulnerable generally so some men avoid it altogether by distracting themselves by going on the pull. I remember going ‘on the pull’ and thinking this is so not me and it felt so forced”

Anon, 23 year old Male.

These presumptions and the need to fit us all so neatly into ‘boxes’ has an impact not just within the heterosexual community but  throughout the gender spectrum. Those in same-sex relationships are sick of hearing “so who’s the man and whose the women?” As though the roles in any relationship must be defined… and worse yet defined using a same-sex relationship model.

“There’s such a toxic culture in the gay world like masc for masc and that comes from being born into a heteronormative culture where everything is man and women so in the gay world these straight-acting men are the holy grail and think they are at the top of a hierarchy when actually they represent the worst repression of gay people” 

Anon, 21 year old Male

The concept of heteronormativity revolves around promoting a world that is built on heterosexual culture, once again putting the way we live our private lives into some sort of pre-determined mould. It’s a concept that not only affects the homosexual community but also society as a whole, giving us yet  another rule to adhere to.

The point being if a woman wants to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry then thats her perogative and frankley no one elses business. If a man wants to cry every day for the next month because of heartbreak then who are we to make him feel he’s less of a ‘man’ for doing so?

Maybe men should visit Venus more and women take a trip over to Mars once in a while.

The inevitable breakup bleach.

Leave a comment

Why do we dye our hair after a breakup? One word. Control. That’s it, that’s the article.

When we lose control we look to other areas in our life where we can take it back and what better way than to peroxide your hair and cut all those loose ends (in more ways than one!).

I think it’s safe to say I’ve had more hair colours than serious relationships.  I hold my hands up and say that in life one of the areas I have the most control over is my hair. Way more control than I do in relationships. My hair may not always do want I want it to and it can be a pain in the arse but its always there for me when I need it.

This isn’t anything against relationships and I am not saying that your hair is more reliable than the new bloke you’re speaking to on Tinder but its more about how it represents the ownership we can take over our own life.

My mum and I have always said

“Only YOU, can make YOU happy”

No matter the relationship status, single, taken or complicated I always refer back to this saying; because (*CHEESY ALERT*) the only relationship status that doesn’t change is the one you have with yourself- You’re stuck with that one I’m afraid.

Yes, you’ve always been in charge of your own happiness but there is such a euphoria that floods in when you finally decide to accept it and act on it.

It’s such a cliche but focusing on yourself is far more beneficial than you realise. You can learn more about yourself, spend time with yourself and most importantly give yourself the love you deserve.

Dying your hair may sometimes be seen as wallpapering over the cracks but I say what’s wrong with a bit of DIY whilst you figure out the long term solution.

1, 2, You’re a Prude, 3, 4, Now You’re a Whore

Leave a comment

What’s Your number? *Gossip Girl Spoiler Alert*

Every woman knows that feeling Lilly Vanderwoodson had when she cut her number of sexual partners in half, after finding out Rufus’ number didn’t quite match up to hers…

But why, as women, are we so afraid to be honest about the number of people we’ve had the pleasure (well 60% of the time) of sleeping with?

It’s safe to say a man having multiple sexual partners in his lifetime is far more accepted than a woman and at times applauded- This old-fashioned way of thinking may be slowly changing but, many of us still wear our cloaks of shame, and slap on our scarlet letters, when that dreaded numbers question is asked.

“You’re the slag of the group then”  – Unidentified individual responding to an honest answer to ‘What’s your number?’

Many women have come to me with tales of being met with judgment dressed as jokes and shock camouflaged by eye rolls after revealing their ‘number’. An answer to some that is so intimate and vulnerable. But WHY do we punish ourselves for enjoying a fruitful, vibrant and varied sex life?

I am yet to meet another female or male, worth my time, who scoffed at my number or who judged me when I gave the honest answer (and yes the honest answer does involve some 1/2’s but that’s another discussion). There are those that so clearly don’t understand that we all have sex because we want to. So if you like it why wouldn’t that be as much as you like and with as many as you like. I don’t see people playing less sport in case others think they’re a bit too ‘into it’. Or film enthusiasts watching fewer genres because they don’t want to be seen to be mixing their tastes.

As I have come to realise: whose to say one is too little and 1,000 is too many? Why would our opinion change if our friend was as untouched as Mary or had been through more partners than there are episodes of Friends? And frankly, why does it matter anyway?

Because there is no handbook.

If you’re OK with your number then that’s the right number, and if you’re not OK with it then realise it just you who’s judging you because nobody else has the place too.

It feels like the first time

Leave a comment

Getting it over and done with can sometimes seem the best option but losing your virginity isn’t a quick decision. After-all Rome wasn’t built in a day.

It’s a true cliche but really you’re dammed if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 18, a virgin, the last in your friendship group to do the deed or you’re about to go off to university, where a game of never have I ever is sure to expose you. Or if you’re 18, have already had plenty of sexual partners and lost your virginity some time ago to someone whose middle name you don’t even know. Either way you seem to face (*UNNECESSARY*) judgement.

But why is it that there is this immense amount of pressure surrounding the ‘Virgin’ label? Whilst sex and sexual interactions may be a huge part of some peoples lives, for others it may not be as important. Either way the label of a virgin does not define anything about you, the only definitive property it gives is a scientific one. So why rush?

“My first time was a disaster”

“My first time was the best time”

“I don’t remember my first time”

“I regret who I lost my virginity too”

“I’m still with the person I lost my virginity too”

These are all statements that I have heard from guys and girls about the highly anticipated, holy, sacrilege act of loosing your virginity. Some of these people wouldn’t change the way they lost it, other people would.

But the one thing the experiences all need to have in common is a form of consent. Consent with yourself. Are you ready? Is this what you want? We don’t have sex for other people, we have it for ourselves and our first time is just the same.

Pressure from friends and society can mean we often feel this need to get it ‘over and done with’ but thats not what it’s about. It’s about you knowing and feeling that you’re ready to do ‘it’ if you want ‘it’.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but believe me you can loose it in seconds.

What do you think? Leave a comment below…

Moved out before we moved in: Lockdown Love loss

1 Comment

“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”  

I wave through the camera to my long-term boyfriend as he tells me he will deliver some flowers to my doorstep soon; I can’t help but think maybe Juliet wasn’t as dramatic as we all once thought. 

‘Covid-19’ is slowly becoming like Voldemort, a word so horrific we shall not utter it, but the truth is that it’s this word our world is now revolving around. Whether we like it or not the right thing to do for millions of people has been either to self-isolate or go into a full lockdown in order to save lives. 

Lockdown and self-isolation look different for everyone; some have chosen to go home to families, others staying with friends in University halls and a few must go it alone.  

Whatever the decision it hasn’t been simple for anyone, particularly those with partners who they don’t live with.  

This summer my boyfriend of seven years and I were supposed to be viewing flats to finally move in together. To start our life of annoying each other with our bad habits and inevitably me persuading him that getting a puppy IS a good idea. But it seems our journey has been stalled before its even began 

We’re not the only ones trying to navigate this strange situation. In an Instagram poll 81% of people said that they were having to self-isolate without their other half. 

Emily Palmer, 21, is having to self-isolate from her boyfriend of three years as they didn’t want to put additional strain on his mum who would have had to live alone. Emily says she’s extremely thankful for technology and facetime.  

Alice Ford, 20, says she finds the whole thing “very strange” as she usually sees her boyfriend five to six times a week. Due to her mum’s occupation as a police officer and therefore a key worker she couldn’t risk potentially exposing her boyfriend.   

However, there are those already in a long-distance relationship and some who have had previous experience of one that can offer some tips.  

https://twitter.com/ElsaJoyce16/status/1243928736753467392?s=20

Others are having to change the dynamics of their relationships and find new ways of having date night.  

I spoke to London based Joanna Kelly, a fully qualified psychodynamic psychotherapist who works with Couples and individuals, offering relationship counselling. She explained she had seen an influx in those accessing her services.  

“The changes to routines and having to adapt is worrying for some. How to be able to maintain enough physical and mental separateness, and at the same time allow for intimacy can be a delicate balance” 

So how do we maintain a healthy relationship in these un-healthy times?  

“Emphasis with your partners experience. This may allow for more intimacy and closeness and the connection of a shared experience.” 

“Regular chats and texts, little messages. Being available can feel good” 

My Great Grandma got married and two days later her husband went off to war. The next time she saw him was two years later. My boyfriend and I should be picking out furniture and packing up boxes, but his deployment to a local supermarket in order to pay his rent may mean I’m unable to see him for several weeks, maybe months.  

I am mindful that my great grandparents never got to hear each other voices, see each other’s faces or play Pictionary together through a virtual screen. Whilst there may be a threat to health, we can’t ignore how the technological advances makes maintaining a healthy relationship in these un-precedented times more realistic than ever.