Indecisiveness has plagued me my whole life. And believe me, it’s a plague.
Indecisiveness can affect just about everything you do in life, from the larger decisions like buying a house, to the smaller decisions, like what to wear that day. This can have a knock-on effect on your day, your week, your relationships, your mood, your friendships, and your life.
So how can we ever make a decision if there is a potentially detrimental knock-on effect that we can’t see coming and one that we certainly might not have planned for…
Sometimes you wish it was just as easy as flipping a coin. Heads I wear the green top, tails I move to Australia.
So why is making a decision for some of us so hard? Why do some people find it easier than others? & WHY can’t we just flip that coin?
Is it fear? The fear that if you make the wrong choice you’ll regret it; and often there’s nothing I think we fear more than having regrets.
Is it pressure? Pressure from yourself or others only makes it harder to make a decision. “I should know this”, “you need to make the right call here”.
Maybe it’s nerves? Sometimes you can big something up so much you distort it. It makes you nervous, and then you’re too clouded to decide.
Maybe it’s the need to be perfect? And how can we be perfect if we don’t make the decisions that bring us to perfection?
I think the plague of indecision most likely comes from a combination of all of the above. Because the desire to be perfect, by making the right decision, can add so much pressure, it makes us nervous, until we start to fear even making the decision in the first place.
“Our emotions strongly influence our decision making. Whenever we are about to make our decision, ‘somatic markers’—which are feelings in our body that are associated with emotions, such as nausea and disgust, or rapid heartbeat and anxiety—act as guides telling us how to act”.
It seems that when making decisions we not only have the mental struggle to deal with but also a very real physical reaction that takes place.
The articlealso introduced me to one of my new favourite phrases: “Analysis paralysis” which we commonly refer to as ‘overthinking’. You over analyse so much that you end up paralysing the thoughts and are left unable to make any decision at all. I know from now on I’m going to tell people that I’ve been diagnosed with analysis paralysis rather than labelling myself as an overthinker… (although that may just be because it’s a fun phrase to say).
But sometimes I try and think how grateful I am to have choices, to be able to have the opportunity to make decisions; to have, in the words of Robert Frost, roads “less travelled” to go down. Because making a decision can also bring along: excitement, happiness, new beginnings, learnt lessons and sometimes new adventures.
That doesn’t make it any easier to make a clear decision, but knowing that the outcome can bring something great or even will bring something new, does take the edge off just a little bit don’t you think?
Prejudice is every where and it’s something that at some point most of us will face in our lives. Judgment surrounding how we look, what we wear, what colour our hair is and wether our eyebrows appear to look more like distance cousins twice removed, than they do sisters. At the end of the day you cant please everyone and why should you try? Individuality is what makes this world special, it adds colour and vibrance, allowing for self-expression in a way that encourages even the most introvert of characters to say (as cheesy as it sounds) “This is who I am”.
There are many ways in which one can express individuality and personality, but one of the most popular ways in the last century has been body modification, particularly tattoos. Now to some the idea of sitting for up to 6 hours being repeatedly stabbed with tiny needles injecting ink into your skin doesn’t appeal, and to be fair many people who have tattoos don’t necessarily enjoy the experience, but the end result, well thats art.
With tattoos becoming more common, particularly with ‘Gen Z’, it allows for a new form of prejudice to start building, and one of the best breeding grounds for this seems to be the workplace, both pre, during and post employment in some circumstances. This is not to generalise and say all work-places breed this sort of prejudice whatsoever and there are many companies and employers who support individuality in the form of just about anything. But, it is clear that for this newly tatted generation navigating the world of employment is coming with its challenges.
-GEMMA RYLES-
Gemma Ryles is a 21-year-old full time Journalism student at Leeds Beckett University. She has seven tattoos, six of which are on her legs and one smaller piece on her ribcage. It’s safe to say Gemma isn’t scared of the needle, all her tattoos are at least 30 cm in height and 15 cm in diameter, she tells me her first ever tattoo was done in an eight-hour session, talk about jumping in at the deep end.
Currently Gemma doesn’t have a job as she’s nearing the end of her degree and wants to focus solely on her uni work, however, she has had a few jobs before, some of which weren’t so keen on her tattoos. “I Had a job at a theme park and there were members of staff who thought tattoos reflected bad work ethic, and general unprofessionalism”.
In another instance at a café job, Gemma felt singled out over other members of staff purely because of her tattoos, and was asked to always keep her tattoos covered up. “I don’t know who it’s for because as far as I’m aware it doesn’t make the customers uncomfortable and most of time I was behind a till where they couldn’t see me. Other members of staff even had hidden tattoos themselves. None of it made sense”.
Whilst she says she has never been fired solely for having tattoos, she feels that the reasoning behind some of her rejections have been because of her tattoos. “I’ve had job interviews where I’ve got quite far and when they do realise I have tattoos they say well ‘we don’t have tattoos here’. There was even a role at a café that you had to wear shorts and upon the realisation that I had tattoos they decided I wasn’t fit for the role”.
Gemma likened having tattoos and piercings to making personal choices on what to wear to work “It’s like women who choose to wear high heels to work, what you choose to do to yourself shouldn’t impact your work, especially if you’re not showing it off”.
It’s often suggested that discrimination against tattoos is typical to an older generation as in previous years tattoos may have signified more of a relation to gangs, violence and/or branding. The concept of getting a tattoo ‘just for fun’ wasn’t as common. Gemma suggested that her age may have had something to do with the friction surrounding her tattoos and possibly even her gender too.
“I think it’s just a strange prejudice thing against usually young people and usually women too. I think if you’re a woman with a tattoo people takes it as a stance on feminism. I don’t think it is, I just like them. It’s also an age thing, when I work with younger people, they’re less interested and it’s just more of a fun thing that I have tattoos, when its older people it can create tension sometimes”.
Tattooing is seen by many as an art form, and as Gemma so eloquently put it, “Having art on your wall doesn’t reflect anything about you so I don’t know why having art on your skin would”. Many people use tattoos to express themselves and often theres a story behind them. It’s like putting up a photo in your living room to preserve a memory, but instead that memory is preserved in ink on your body.
When asked about her motives behind getting her tattoos Gemma said, “They make me feel more confident, I have them because I like them and I think it’s an outlet for who you are aesthetically, it can say so much about you.” Gemma even indicated that family members had questioned her reasoning behind getting tattoos, but its mostly been prospective employers that have had a ‘problem’ with it.
She has never let the judgement get to her and has always taken pride in her tattoos. “It never upset me, but it annoyed me because I chose to get tattoos and now they’re actively hindering me. You get people in life that say, ‘well why did you even do it’ and it’s like, that’s not the point I should be able to make private decisions for me that don’t affect my career path, and that’s annoying”.
In terms of where she went after rejection from jobs once again Gemma didn’t let it get under her skin. “I came round to the idea that if they didn’t like my tattoos then I didn’t want to work there and there are other places that are more willing to hire you with tattoos as its becoming less of a problem, it just depends on where you are”.
Gemma discussed the outrageous reasoning behind some of the judgement against her tattoos. “Also, they’ve suggested that my ‘tattoo problem’ could lead me to getting a face tattoo. Like a gateway tattoo into face tattooing. The only time I can see it being a problem is if you have an offensive tattoo but even then, whose it actually bothering, unless you have like a swear word on your forehead.”
Moving forward Gemma wants to continue getting more tattoos and says that she won’t let any prejudice stop her using it as an outlet for self-expression.
-AGUNWA UMEOKAFOR-
Agunwa Umeokafor is a 21-year-old second year accountancy and finance student at Leeds Beckett University. Originally from Rochdale he now lives in the student dense area of Hyde Park in Leeds. When he’s not studying, Agunwa works at a trampoline park in Leeds and enjoys an active social life.
As for his 32 tattoos, painted nails, dip dyed dreads and 3 facial and ear piercings he says his current job is “really calm with it actually”. The surprise in his voice indicated this hadn’t always been the case in other jobs, however. Walking around a bustling Hyde Park, with the sun reflecting off his septum piercing and silver beads in his vibrantly dyed dreads, he tells me he got his first tattoo the day before his 18th birthday and “hasn’t stopped since” with his collection only continuing to grow.
He says the most judgement he has received for his appearance was when he was living and working in his hometown, and before he went under the needle for the first time, he didn’t understand the obsession himself. “I wasn’t going to get them, I hated tattoos originally. At first, I thought they were kind of weird, why would people pay to get stabbed essentially. And then I understood it”.
Agunwa says he now takes a lot of pride in his tattoos and says that “My tattoos make me, me”. Talking about interviews he has had with possible accountancy and finance jobs, or even just work experience, he says: “they look at you and they’ll try and word a question that’s really hard and then blame it on the answer to the question, but you know it’s not because of that”.
“It’s very weird. They didn’t like anything that wasn’t normal, you had to look basically how you were out the womb. I don’t understand how someones looks would or could affect their job”.
He says despite enjoying his degree he has “kind of given up” with the idea of getting a job in the finance industry due to the prejudice he has already faced based on appearances. “I didn’t want to sacrifice how I feel for a job”. Back in his hometown he even says he left a receptionist job because he couldn’t be fully accepted for his self-expression through his appearance. “Even at a ski slope, sitting behind a desk I couldn’t have my long-painted nails. They were really stressed about it, and I had to make sure everything was proper; it wasn’t nice you know”
He has a bright and bubbly demeaner and even when talking about the prejudice he has faced seems more positive about the future than dwelling on the past.
“For the most part I’m not really bothered because if you’re going to turn me away because of my look then you don’t really deserve me. There’s more to people than their appearance and if you give people time to be themselves, you’ll see that”
When asked if he thinks the general view of what’s accepted in the workplace is changing, Agunwa says: “Slowly but surely, {tattoos and piercings} are getting more common so if they try and stick to their old ways they’ll go out of business, they have to change”
Agunwa is excited about feeding what he now describes as an “addiction” to tattoos. He plans on building up his back piece, which may end up costing him in the region of an impressive £3000 and is looking into various different fields for future jobs.
-NADINE AL-BAGHDADI MCCHRYSTAL-
Nadine Al-Baghdadi McChrystal is 21, originally from Blackpool she now lives and works in Leeds as a bar-woman at a popular high-end steak restaurant. Nadine says “my friends would probably say I’m quite spontaneous and it’s not uncommon for me to have a different hair colour every time they see me”. Sporting a peachy orange do at the time of the interview, it’s clear that colour is a big part of Nadine’s life. “My favourite colour is pink and I’m always wearing something bright or bold”.
Nadine has 7 tattoos and 12 piercings, all of which are visible when she’s wearing her short-sleeved work uniform. “I was worried when I first went for the job that they wouldn’t like my tattoos, particularly as the place I work now is fairly posh, but there was no issue at all. They said as long as I look presentable then tattoos were no issue, it was a nice surprise”.
But this hasn’t always been the case and Nadine believes one of her tattoos in particular has been the cause of some interview rejections. “On a whim I got the words rock solid tattooed across the sides of my hands, it’s a lyric from a song that one of my favourite bands sing. Admittedly not many people would know the song, so I know it’s not obvious that it’s song lyrics”.
Nadine says in one job interview she saw them actively look at her hands and the interview was then cut short. “I walked in expecting a proper sit-down interview as they had been very chatty and keen over the phone, and then as soon as I saw them in person the interview was over before it really begun”.
After feeling deflated from the experience she had, Nadine made the decision to cover up part of her tattoo. “I panicked and at the time, really needed a job so was desperate to do anything that might help, and I thought maybe if I covered up ‘solid’ my tattoos would be less of an issue”.
Going to the extreme of getting a coverup in order to help get her a job, highlights the lengths Nadine was willing to go to, to please employers. But it also demonstrates the very real issue of discrimination against appearance and the impact that it has on the individual. “It’s just rubbish to be judged and have a decision made about you before you even get the chance to express yourself”.
Nadine says that she’s even tried to hide her tattoos from her family members, “when I first got my pink lemonade tattoo across my collar bone, I wore turtlenecks for the first few times my family visited. I knew that they weren’t too keen on tattoos, and it wasn’t exactly small or subtle. Eventually I had to give in as it was too hot for turtlenecks”.
Nadine says that she even once bought some film-grade foundation to cover up her tattoos for a job interview after fearing she had faced rejection before because of them. “I realised that by covering them up I wasn’t showing them my true self anyway, and why wouldn’t I want to just be me, and get a job by being my authentic self”.
Nadine says that she no longer lets anyone else rule what she does to her body. She plans on building up her bold arm tattoos and experimenting with bright colour’s to express her even brighter personality.
We all deserve a bit of self-lovin’ and we certainly all deserve to feel good about ourselves. So, why not let our friends know they deserve it to by giving them a fun new toy to try?
Some people feel good by working out, others feel good by doing a full face of makeup, perhaps some baking, or hitting over 100 likes on Instagram. Some people, well frankly, some people just need a good wank (that’s one word to tick off the list).
Buying your friend a vibrator is the best way to say “hey, don’t forget to take care of yourself and have a bit of ‘me’ time”. It shows them that you care, you want them to feel good about themselves and love themselves as much as you love them. It gives them a helping hand without actually giving them a helping hand (if you’ll pardon the pun). Female masturbation is still a taboo topic and often makes people cringe or squirm. The act of buying a vibrator or any sex toy for that matter is something many people shy away from and sometimes don’t do out of embarrassment.
But why are we so ashamed of self-pleasure and the fun toys that can help with that pleasure? I’m not saying you should upload a story of your dildo captioned “LOVE my new purchase thanks @Annsummers xo” or have a shelf in your bedroom proudly displaying all the different sex toys you have, but I am saying that it’s certainly something you should embrace and not be ashamed of.
Talking about sex with friends might be something you do a lot of or it might be something you never do and at the end of the day, we should all act within our own comfortable realms. But talking with your girlfriends about masturbation, what works for you and what doesn’t, is a perfectly normal conversation. You might even end up helping each other out, giving suggestions of toys to try or websites to go to. Often people might be too shy to take that first step and that’s why giving your friend a vibrator for their birthday might just help them on their way and start a nice journey to discovering the wonders of self-pleasure.
Health.com reported that Women in their late 20’s masturbated the most and “Indiana University’s most recent National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 72% of women ages 25 to 29 lent themselves a hand at least once in the past year”. They also reported however that a survey in 2015 showed that 20% of women had NEVER lent themselves a helping hand. Now, this is not to be judged as wrong or strange, because maybe they’re just not into that or comfortable with it. That being said one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful relationship we have in life, is with our body and by not showing that relationship some love we might be potentially damaging it. I wrote it once and I’ll write it again, an orgasm a day (who has the time) keeps the doctor away.
Moral of the story is that for ‘Galentine’s’ day this year we should all be doing a giant secret Santa, where the only present can be a sex toy accompanied by a box of chocolates. Because what’s better than chocolate and orgasms?
Domestic abuse doesn’t discriminate, it can happen to anyone, occur at any point in a relationship, be physical or mental and even be disguised by the abuser as unconditional love. No matter who you are it’s a terrible thing to experience and can be made worse when you feel like you can’t talk about it.
Male domestic abuse is a topic many find sensitive as some men feel neglected by society when it comes to the subject matter of domestic abuse. Often it’s assumed in domestic abuse cases that it is the male as the abuser and not the abused, but once again the numbers don’t lie and it’s evident this is certainly not the case.
This stereotype can often cause men to brush aside even the thought that they may be in an abusive relationship. It can stop men talking, finding help and in some cases stop them leaving a relationship that’s detrimental to their mental and physical health.
Heres one man’s story on how he found himself in an abusive relationship and his journey to leaving the relationship and trying to recover from the scars it left behind…
Anon, age 23:
“I was in a domestically abusive relationship for three years. It’s important to say she never physically attacked me, which used to make me feel saying I was abused was wrong, but it’s not. Abuse is psychological, mental, financial etc and she hit me with both barrels with all of those.
I gave up on my hobbies, interests, friendships and myself just so I could make her life a bit happier than it was before, and she was happy for me to do so. I didn’t realise I was doing this until afterwards of course. I was just an extension of her by the end, I’d sacrificed myself so much that I didn’t really exist anymore.
She would tell me all my friends were horrible, make me feel guilty about the smallest of things like going to the pub or playing Xbox with friends. She’d keep me trapped in with threats of leaving me, or as time went on that when I stood up for myself she would claim she was suicidal.
As a man, it is your expectation to be the ‘strong’ person in a relationship. When that is stripped from you and you are dominated in every aspect of life by your girlfriend, you can’t help but feel incredibly emasculated. When there’s nobody to talk to who shared your experience, you carry on feeling like you’re not really ever going to be a ‘man’ again.”
Leaving the relationship after 3 years:
“I am proud I won’t lie and I’ve taken some good steps to get help. I always have thought the trigger was when she went away for a week without me, and remember thinking that the first week in years I had felt free to do what I wanted without judgement, and realising that was the norm hit me like a ton of bricks”
What advice would you give in helping someone who is in an abusive relationship?:
“There are good male domestic abuse charities out there like mankind, but I still feel when we mention domestic abuse the go-to thought is to think of women being abused by men which of course is horrible for those women and they need just as much help and support, but we need it too and it needs to be recognised
The best thing to do (for someone in an abusive relationship) is to make them know they’re loved and give them a hug. Words can be great but they won’t always go in…The chances are they won’t know they’re being abused but they’ll recognise they’re situation isn’t great and loved ones outside perspective can change your view entirely
(And if it’s you in the abusive relationship you should remember:) You are worth an incredible amount and your thoughts, feelings and life are just as valuable as theirs. The only way it’s going to get better is to cut the cord and drop into the unknown. The unknown can be just as scary sometimes, but you’re not going to be scared alone anymore”
‘The National Centre for Domestic Violence’ have the slogan, “You don’t need a bruise to be a victim”. Abuse can come in all different forms and at times that’s what makes it so hard to recognise. Relationships are hard to navigate anyway and we go into each new relationship with different expectations of what it should feel like or look like. We can be told to just expect lows and highs. Arguments and huge bust-ups have even previously been romanticised by the media industry, with some sort of sexually charged reconciliation after a ‘smash a glass against the wall’ argument or a romantic gesture of present-giving to say sorry. So what defines a ‘normal’ amount of ups and downs and how do we recognise when just ‘another argument’ turns into something much more sinister. The best way to do this is by talking to others, checking in with ourselves, pushing aside any feelings of shame or guilt and not letting our judgement be clouded by this strange expectation to find a love that is so intense, it burns.
If you think you, or someone you know, maybe in an abusive relationship, please reach out, to friends, to families or to some of the sites listed below:
When I started this website I remember thinking a lot about what other people would think.
I thought: What would they want to read? Would they read something I had written? What would the overall general consensus be?
Whilst a lot of my content comes from external sources, who often choose to remain anonymous, I’m also very aware that it’s read in my voice. It’s hard for me not to infuse the piece with my own opinions or even experiences, and at times I choose to obviously point this out. I never wanted to make Tit for Tat about me, it will never be about me or my life, it will always be about something I feel strongly about; talking about things we often don’t talk about but SHOULD. So why when I write the word ‘masturbation’ do I squirm a little?
Currently in my drafts, I have 7 pieces. Some finished, read through by my grammar expert (mums and smart best friends are just the best aren’t they) and ready to be posted. Most of them are half baked, with either a sentence or two or even a few paragraphs. I even have a one or two with just a title… Anyone else know why I have one titled “Whose the daddy?”.
It’s been bothering me because those 7 drafts say something. They say that maybe I or ‘we’ think much more about what people think than we like to admit.
If I’m practising what I preach then surely I should be as free with my words and content as I encourage anyone who reads my posts to be. If I claim that it’s not about me, and if I don’t write about myself, then shouldn’t I reflect that in the way I feel and think towards the pieces. Shouldn’t I write the word, masturbation, without thinking people reading it are going to think I’m talking about ME and how I spend my spare time?
I once was speaking to someone about my website and its content and they said “aren’t you ever worried that a guy will read it and be intimidated by your openness or put off by you writing about these things online” and at that moment I wanted to say with such assurance
“you know what Karen*, no, because any guy or person, of that matter, in my life that’s worth my time surely would want me to be passionate about something. They would even perhaps share similar views and see it as a positive rather than a negative. Intimidating? Please, if this site intimidates you then you’ll never be able to have a relationship of friendship where you can be completely open and honest. Are you telling me that your partner would be intimidated by you openly expressing what you like in the bedroom or talking about their menstrual cycle with you?”
*all names were changed for both anonymity and comedic purposes*
But you know what, I disappointed myself. I simply said “well I hope not” and that was that.
Since then every time I write, I write with Karen’s words in my head. If I write the word wank will people think I’m sex-obsessed? If I write about love will people think I’m in love? and worse of all If I write about not washing my bra every time I wear it will people think, no surely they won’t think, could they think… that I actually wear a bra? and do you know what I’ve realised, I really just need to get over myself.
I need to get out of my head and realise that what people think really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I recently wrote an article where I talk about you being the only one holding yourself accountable, and again, I need to practice what I preach. These things are taboos because of people like Karen or even people like me. People who hold back and are holding back because that’s what we think we need to do in order to appear ‘normal’ in society; we need to blend in and not ‘make a scene’. I let people stay anonymous because I know the importance of keeping your private life private and embarrassment, whilst sometimes unnecessary, is also understandable. I would rather have content that’s more raw and real with people staying anonymous than having to write with caution because I want people to know its not me.
When I started this website I remember thinking a lot about what other people would think. Now, as I continue with Tit for Tat, I’ve decided to put that aside and focus on delivering the message that ‘T4T’ is supposed to stand for; taking pride in freedom of speech stretching to all areas of life, ESPECIALLY taboos.
Plus Ive now written the word wank so theres no going back.
Sometimes I worry that the age-old saying ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ (you know the one. I think Shakespeare said it?) has got the opposite sexes stuck in two separate boxes with two separate rules for life.
Dive right in and take sex as an example. Let’s be honest, men are expected to have a lot of it, women not so much. Men are expected to enjoy it every-time, women not so much. Men are expected to have it casually, women not so much. Men are expected to provide protection, women not so much. Men are expected to call the next day, women …….not so much.
Unpacking these expectations you realise the pressures on both sides to fit into the ideals that society has created.
If men don’t have a lot of sex (and how much is a lot?) they are sometimes made to feel inadequate and less of a ‘lad’; rather than someone who has perhaps made a life choice or who hasn’t met the right person yet. If women do have a lot of sex they are made to feel like a ‘slut’ rather than a woman confident in her sexuality and who enjoys sex. Similarly, if a man doesn’t call the next day he’s labelled as a player whereas if a woman does call she’s ‘needy’.
why should women not be expected to carry the same responsibility to bring protection? After all, it takes two to tango and you’re both responsible for getting the steps right…RIGHT?
This brings us to the troubling area of ‘breakups’.
A breakup is hard enough to go through let alone when you’re made to feel like there’s a right way and a wrong way to deal with it depending on your chromosomes. Women are supposed to go and grieve the loss, eat ice cream and cry at Bridget Jones (other incredible chick flicks are available). Men, on the other hand, are made to feel that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, often as a result of a night out with the boys to celebrate their new single status
“As a man, I think during breakups were not expected to feel nothing at all but we’re definitely expected to muffle how we feel and not make our emotions a big deal”
Anon, 23 year old Male
Why is it that we are made to feel that there is an expectation as to how we react in certain situations? That our actions following a breakup must match society’s assumptions rather than reflect our emotional responses.
“I think it’s this expectation that men can’t be vulnerable generally so some men avoid it altogether by distracting themselves by going on the pull. I remember going ‘on the pull’ and thinking this is so not me and it felt so forced”
Anon, 23 year old Male.
These presumptions and the need to fit us all so neatly into ‘boxes’ has an impact not just within the heterosexual community but throughout the gender spectrum. Those in same-sex relationships are sick of hearing “so who’s the man and whose the women?” As though the roles in any relationship must be defined… and worse yet defined using a same-sex relationship model.
“There’s such a toxic culture in the gay world like masc for masc and that comes from being born into a heteronormative culture where everything is man and women so in the gay world these straight-acting men are the holy grail and think they are at the top of a hierarchy when actually they represent the worst repression of gay people”
Anon, 21 year old Male
The concept of heteronormativity revolves around promoting a world that is built on heterosexual culture, once again putting the way we live our private lives into some sort of pre-determined mould. It’s a concept that not only affects the homosexual community but also society as a whole, giving us yet another rule to adhere to.
The point being if a woman wants to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry then thats her perogative and frankley no one elses business. If a man wants to cry every day for the next month because of heartbreak then who are we to make him feel he’s less of a ‘man’ for doing so?
Maybe men should visit Venus more and women take a trip over to Mars once in a while.
“Research has shown that around 50% of young 13 year old American girls reported being unhappy with their body. This number grew to nearly 80% by the time girls reached 17 years of age”
“Research conducted in the U.S showed that around 25% of male children/adolescents were concerned about their muscularity and leanness, by expressing a greater desire for toned and defined muscles”
And that’s just a tiny drop in a whole ocean of statistics out there related to body image. I watch the women around me yo-yo from diet to exercise, from feeling comfortable with their body to wanting to take a knife to their lumps and bumps. One day we feel guilty for not accepting our body. We look in the mirror and tell ourselves that yes we do love this body and we’ve only got one so why not make the most of it… But the next we feel regret at posting that photo where our hip dips are on show or the one where we have more rolls on show than a Greggs bakery cabinet (other bakers available but would highly recommend).
We’re all guilty of it, men and women, and this idea of accepting our body is…. well, more complex than it seems. Is loving our body exercising and eating the right foods in order to feel good? Or is it saying f**k it and eating that double cheeseburger because you’ve been craving it all week? I think loving your body shape depends a set of ideals that vary from one person to the next. I know for example, that I feel I can love my body more when I’m exercising and when I can fit into my favourite jeans. Mostly as a result of eating a lot of salad. But I also know that my motives for being healthy rarely have anything to do with me not loving my body or trying to change it for anyone else for that matter.
This works at both ends of the spectrum and it is often overlooked that those who are on the skinnier side have just the same battle with body image. I have a friend who is constantly pointing out that she has more of a ‘flat ass’ than a ‘fat ass’ and she struggles to gain weight and muscle in the places she’d like. Note: I think she’s beautiful and would kill for her abs and long legs.
I think the more we normalize varying body shapes and sizes the more we can accept our own bodies for what they are. It scares me to think of my little sisters growing up in a society that doesn’t teach them that there is no ‘normal’ and no set guide to how our bodies should look.
What we need to recognise is that this is science. I know, actual real biology! Metabolism and genes play such a huge part in how our bodies are and we can’t change that. Acceptance is the only way we will win the battle because the one thing we CAN change is our mindset and what we see when we look in the mirror, not physically but emotionally.
I leave you with the below image. Same body, different poses, same mindset.
Swipe to see the before and after I go for a run and then have a Greggs. Balance.
My kind of swiping right or left… Tinder eat your heart out
“Will you buy it for me, I’m too embarrassed”…? Because just imagine if people out there ACTUALLY thought we want to have protected safe sex or to make sure we’re not pregnant.
Whether it’s buying ‘the thing’ that stops you from becoming a parent (well 85% of the time) or ‘the other thing’ that shows you if you are becoming a parent, why is it that we feel so embarrassed when it comes to buying condoms or pregnancy tests? And let’s not get started about lube or Viagra.
Countless trips to THAT aisle in Boots to get my friends the pregnancy tests they are too embarrassed to buy has taught me two things. One, that Clearblue is bloody expensive and more importantly, two, that the embarrassment comes from within ourselves and isn’t a reflection of other peoples feelings. I’ve never been up to the counter and confronted on why I’m buying what I’m buying…. well apart from maybe the time I bought 7 bottles of soap but that’s another story.
So why is it that we feel so embarrassed? Is it because we feel as though sex is a dirty word and therefore these are dirty and tainted purchases? Is it because if we look young and buy a pregnancy test, we feel it’s assumed that that particular £9 purchase wasn’t exactly a planned one? Whatever the reason, unless we break the stigma around purchasing these kinds of products how can we be expected to break the rising numbers of STD’S and teenage pregnancies?
One reader directed me to a tweet (see below) that sparked this particular article. What struck me was the idea that buying a pregnancy test isn’t normalised in the first place?
Why does buying pregnancy tests feel like such an embarassing/shameful thing to do?? Can we normalize buying pregnancy tests? The judgement eyes I get is overwhelming… and I'm 24 lol
The fluster of actually having to choose a brand is a whole other issue. Often in our embarrassment, we end up just going for the cheapest brand or the first one we see. Some people aren’t even aware that condoms come in different sizes for a very good reason, let alone that some pregnancy tests can’t give an accurate reading till one to two weeks after sex!
I say we should walk down the pregnancy test and condoms aisle with the same confidence that we would walk down the actual aisle. I mean maybe not the best idea to throw on a white dress and veil if you don’t want the odd looks but don’t be afraid to act like that’s where you’re supposed to be.
Fun fact: It’s estimated that the sale of condoms rises by about 20-30% around valentines day and the sale of pregnancy tests also increase.
Post-coital depression/tristesse. Bet you haven’t heard that one before eh?
Well, to be honest with you I knew nothing about it either or its existence. Not until I got an anonymous contact asking me to shed some light on the issue.
Definition:Post-coital tristesse is the feeling of sadness, anxiety, agitation or aggression after sexual intercourse.
The word tristesse literally translates to sadness.
There is such an expectation for sex or self-gratification to make us feel amazing. The feelings that arise before sex are often discussed, but what about the feelings we have after the candles have been blown out, the ‘Spotify & chill‘ playlist has been turned off and we re-lay the dining table…. wait I mean re-plump the bed cushions.
Some people may cry after sex, become agitated or even feel the need to argue with their partner. The post-coital blues can happen even if you’ve just experienced the greatest orgasm of your life (landmark moment, the first time I’ve used the big ‘O’ word on TFT- sorry dad) or its the 100th time with your partner whom you love deeply. It also doesn’t discriminate. Although studies have demonstrated that it’s more common in men it has also shown that it doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is, your relationship status or your gender we can all experience tristesse.
But why? Why does it happen and why is it not something we talk about.
It’s reported that there is no single reason. It may be an underlying issue in your relationship coming out in emotional form, it may be the sadness of breaking the intense bond created by having sex or it may be because you have some underlying trauma. It’s considered a bit of a phenomenon but the important thing to note is that you’re not broken and you’re not alone.
“I bottle so much in and when I have that moment of intense release through orgasm I just cry because I’ve allowed myself to let go” – Anon
We should talk to each other about it, to our partners, friends, family, bloody hell why not to the person you met in McDonald’s at 3 am.
We don’t talk about these things because of the word ‘normal’. God, I hate that word sometimes. What is normal? Who is normal? Meryl Streep, the Queen, Laverne Cox, the women in the herbal essences advert? (Coincidentally this is half of my fantasy dinner party, how does she get her hair that shiny?).
If it’s the common thing for you to experience great sadness or anger after sex then maybe that is your normal and that’s OK. If you want to seek help because you experienced this then that’s also OK and if after reading this and you want to have sex and a then a big old cry well then that’s OK too.
Whilst I hope this got you thinking I am not a sex specialist so I have attached some links below if you want to know more:
She was constantly criticising, chronically controlling and induced a sadness in me that spread like a bad cold.
I despised her. In my secondary school years, she tortured me, taking over my days with constant taunts and an ability to knock me down at precisely the moment I got back up; she was in-escapable.
At 19, after many years of facing her domineering and following a 4-year relationship breakdown that snowballed into a quarter life crisis; which believe me, she relished in. I realised that the impromptu tattoo, painful nose piercing and peroxiding of my hair wasn’t quite going to cut it. The only way to get away from her, and from it all, was to really ‘get away’.
When looking for a travel companion, I knew what I wanted. Reliability, open-mindedness, organisational skills and positivity. Of course, she possessed none of those things and the very last person on my list; and that’s exactly why I chose her.
They do say keep your friends close but your enemies closer and in this instance that was true.
Because she was me.
So that was it, I emptied my poor excuse for a bank account and booked my flights to New Zealand and Bali. Knowing that the next two months alone, a time everyone told me would be the best few months of my life, would be the first time I would have to truly face my worst enemy.
The first few weeks I would drive down to the beach with her, taking Sue Perkins and Leon Bridges along for the ride too. I realised that if I sat and let her voice be heard for a while, she’d grow tired, run out of witty utterances and stop. Making room for Sue and Leon to join my party of one.
That eureka moment came a month in, when I stumbled into a trendy small boutique in Auckland. Behind the counter was an attractive, young, bright faced girl.
“I like your pants” me concerned my Victoria Secret thong was no longer such a secret responded, “sorry?”.
Ice broken over a brief conversation on VPLs and the Kiwi translation of pants (pants = trousers), she questioned what a 5ft 2, 19-year-old, English girl was doing on her own in Auckland.
I explained that after running out of ends to split I decided to do some travelling. The moment I told her I was doing it alone her face radiated shock, intrigue but ultimately overwhelming admiration. She told me she had always wanted to do similar, but her anxiety held her back.
We chatted like old friends and long story short I self-appointed myself as her Dalai Lama, dished out my new-found wisdom and told her when she makes it to the UK, she can stay with me.
It was at that moment, the explanation to someone else that they can do it if they just say “Yes”, understand that getting away doesn’t always mean running away, I realised my worst enemy may just have become my best friend.
Tit for Tat 